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rant posts

Filed under: Games, Internet, Humor, Op-Ed

Free boobs: It's too good to be true

Ah, Evony. Sweet, sweet Evony. Chances are if you've been online for more than a day or two and you dare step outside the sandbox of Gmail or Facebook and into the seedy underbelly of the beast, you'll have seen the Evony ads.

Take a good, long look at the advert to the right -->

OK. Now what're you thinking? BOOBS? Voyeuristic pleasures of the flesh? 'You know, it looks like she's sleeping... or enjoying herself... or both...'

To be fair, this one actually includes a brief description of the game itself ('build your empire'), but later versions aren't quite as subtle (probably not work-safe).

But we only have ourselves to blame. You see, Evony's marketing ploy must be successful or they wouldn't still be doing it. Sex sells, gentlemen. The promise of sex sells even better! Seriously, a girl pleasuring herself couldn't be further from the truth in the case of Evony, but the image hits your eyeballs and heads straight on down to your animalistic hindbrain. Before you know it -- before your rational, sensible, Internet-savvy brain can kick in -- you're clicking the ad. You're probably clicking her boobs even. It's OK -- we all do it. That's why such ads exist.

You've just been had by the Internet. But who's to blame exactly? Us, for being weak and driven by our biology? The scrupulous Web service providers that hire advertising agencies to shoot girls in skimpy panties and low-cut dresses? None of the above, I'm afraid. The inherent freedom of the Internet comes at a price, and if you think those money-grabbing bastards aren't going to milk it for all its worth, you'd be wrong.

Think about it: if the ad showed a girl gouging her eyes out and eating poop from a cup it wouldn't get quite the same click-through ratio. Why not boobs? Why not delusions of grandeur? Why not promise things you can't deliver on? Why not LIE? Who is going to stop them?

The Internet, in its rampant, unmonitored, ungoverned and anarchic state is full of examples like Evony. Lose 15lbs in 15 minutes! You've won the lottery! Click this irritating and epilepsy-inducing banner to collect your prize! Scan your infected, virus-ridden computer now... and get a bonus malware infection for free! Evony, unlike other cowboys, at least delivers a small portion of its promise -- you can play it in a browser after all -- but that's not the point.

The point is: the Internet is simply too good to be true. The problem is not that there's fake stuff out there -- there will always be fake stuff -- it just happens to be damn hard to separate the good stuff from the fake stuff. You never quite know what you're going to get after you click a link.

So remember, if something is FREE!!! or relies on a picture of BOOBS, it's too good to be true.

In fact, if you don't want to be fooled by advertising, just download whatever we feature here at Download Squad -- I guarantee we'll never sell out and recommend a boob-branded download.

Filed under: Fun, Blogging, Humor

Workbench rant: software annoyances I can do without

When I'm fighting with someone's bogged down, crapped up computer, I've got enough problems to keep me busy. Surprisingly, big manufacturers don't seem too concerned. They're more than happy to contribute to my frustrations in subtle ways that will eventually drive me completely insane.

Bloated drivers.
Ok, fellas, what's the deal? Why do OEMs feel the need to cram drivers for every OS into a single, massive file? Even better, they pack them as an exe inside a zip so LoadScout doesn't do me any good. All I want is 300k of stuff for 32-bit Windows XP, and I'm stuck waiting while you let an encyclopedic archive for all platforms trickle down to me at 14K/s?

I hate you. I'm going to start paying for your hardware by mailing you a nickel every day for four years.

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Filed under: Design, Fun, Windows, Macintosh, Linux, Web services, Commercial, Beta

ComicBrush lets you create your own comics, or does it?

ComicBrushComicBrush is a new online tool intended to allow regular people like you and me to create cartoons quickly and easily, even if we don't have any artistic talent. So far, so good, seems like a great premise. I was excited to give it a try. Excited, that is, until I found that I needed to create an account just to kick the tires.

Creating an account isn't that big of a deal, I suppose, but these days that's a pretty big commitment for something that is likely to be just a momentary curiosity online. Personally, a tool needs to be pretty compelling before I'm willing to take the time to register and give up personal information, even if it is only my email address, location, time zone and birth date.

But the registration process goes off the rails with the license that you must read and agree to. It turns out that ComicBrush is not free (though it's not made clear on the homepage), but that you must purchase Points that can then be used to acquire Assets on ComicBrush. Assets are essentially graphics that you can use in your comics. Okay, fine, what's the big deal, you ask? Well, in the Terms of Service that you have to agree to, there are not one, but two check boxes to agree to. The first one is the complete contents of the TOS, and the second one pulls out the most important element from the TOS (since ComicBrush knows that most of us don't bother to actually read big long legal documents on signup pages).

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Filed under: Web services

Don't make me wait: Web 2.0 sin #8

Snail MailHere's a complain that would go along nicely with our Seven rules for Web 2.0 start-ups: Keeping me waiting for an account activation email, or anything else for that matter. Say you have a potential customer who wants to run a cool Ajaxy poll on his blog. He googles and finds that there are at least a dozen companies offering a free Ajaxy poll service. Your site looks good to him, so he jumps through your registration hoops (clearly you didnt' follow rule #2), slicks on the Submit button, and then... he has to wait.

I'm no Guy Kawasaki, but here's a free bit of business advice: If you're trying to compete in a field with a half-dozen nearly identical products, don't make a potential customer wait. If it takes five minutes for that account activation email to show up, he'll have already wandered along and found a different service that does what he needs without the wait. Thirty seconds is too long. The vagaries of the world's email relays aside, if your service's SMTP server isn't lightning fast, get another one, or you've just a pile of impatient customers--and on the internet, they're all impatient.

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So, just how good at time waster games are you? Think you've got the stuff? Well, The World's Hardest Game 2.0 doesn't think you do. Yes, amazingly, it's possible to have a sequel to a game called "The World's Hardest Game". It doesn't seem logically possible, since if the first one was actually the world's hardest, how could another one come along and share the moniker? It made me doubt the name in the first place. That is, until I tried the game. The mechanics of the game are very simple. You are a small red square, ...

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