We simply couldn't resist.

(In case you didn't catch Kanye West's antics at the Video Music Awards this weekend, here's some context.)

Google may be the top search engine in the world, and it may collect a lot of data about you if you use its email, chat, photo, or video services. Heck, even if you've avoided every Google product, Google probably still knows a few things about you if you've ever done anything that might have possibly left a trail on the web.

But America's finest news source, The Onion, lets us know that Google has a new service that lets you opt out. All you have to do is click the opt-out button and a van will show up at your door and relocate you to a remote 22 acre village where you'll be expected to sever all contact with the outside world. Your home will be destroyed to protect your privacy.

You can check out The Onion's satirical video after the break. Sure, it's all a joke. But you know what? It does highlight just how difficult it is to stay off the grid in the age of the internet.

Have a doctorate? Hate web design, razors, soap and capitalism? Able to get by in Boston on $53,849 a year? You may be in luck. The Free Software Foundation is hiring a Campaigns Manager!

According to the FSF's own site, "The campaigns manager implements the FSF communications strategy and works as part of a team to develop and implement issue campaigns and community resources, acting as a spokesperson on matters of software freedom. The campaigns manager handles writing, editing, speaking, and research related to these activist and program efforts; coordinates the GNU chief webmaster and the other webmaster volunteers to develop FSF and GNU web sites; plans and implements proposals to increase fundraising; and serves as a main point of contact between the Foundation and the free software community."

Ok, ok.. so you don't actually have to hate soap. Candidates with significant dislike will also be considered.

"Don't drink and tweet" is probably some of the best Twitter advice I can give you. But if you must post to Twitter while intoxicated, at least try to do it from DrunkTwt. DrunkTwt posts your intoxicated Twitter ramblings anonymously, using an enormous text field that you don't have to be at all sober to click on.

Once your update is entered, it'll show up in DrunkTwt's Twitter stream, which you can follow if you're interested in other users' drunken antics. Because a hashtag is automatically entered, and to make sure your post fits, you're limited to 115 characters on DrunkTwt.com, instead of the standard Twitter 140. They probably figure the target audience won't notice anyway.

One thing that I always like to see in a corporate entity is the ability to have a little fun from time to time. If I was going to give an award for "Best Comedic Performance by a Software Vendor," it would go to antivirus developer Sophos, hands down.

Why? For their brand-new Klingon antivirus application.

The program is no joke - it's real Sophos AV, but it may not be a real benefit for you if you can't read Klingon. Of course, you can always improve your linguistic skills over at the Klingon Language Institute. Just make sure you pay attention to the compatibility notes:

"Runs on Windows 2000/XP/2003/Vista.
This software has compatibility issues with the version of msxml4.dll used by cloaking devices on Romulan-modded D7-class battle cruisers. Installing this software on such vessels is punishable by ordeal of Ginst'a'Ed."

Sophos scores additional bonus points for the product's web page, which boasts such excellent touches as untouched "Lorem" text, the rarely-used <blurb> tag, and, of course, copious references to Star Trek.

Pics or it didn't happen, you say? Check out a few more screens after the break. Sorry for the lack of explanations, but my skills are limited to three human languages - English, Spanish, and bad English.

Remember that kids' game, Telephone? You tell something to someone, who tells it to someone else, and so on. The message gets repeated incorrectly, and the person at the end of the line hears something completely different from the original message. Well, Broken Picture Telephone is like that, but online and with pictures.

Words and drawings alternate, which adds even more possibility for error into the game. If you've ever played Pictionary, you know how hard it is to guess what other people's drawings are supposed to be. That's what Broken Picture Telephone is counting on, to turn "Pirate fights Ninja" into "Three People Dancing for a Taco." You can check out the site to see how that one worked, and sign up so you can play your own. There's also an archive of past games, some of which are definitely amusing.

Until we can finally allow robots to craft everything via iPhone CAD/CAM apps, you'll have to get your fix of fake tombstones and dress-up robots online. Here's a roundup of some helpful tools -- maybe. Honestly, several are horrendous to use. Others are merely fugly. One frightened my hamster. Still, if you are looking for a way to express yourself on the cover of TIME magazine, this may be your thing. Please add more in the comments, I know I've missed a few decent ones among the junk.

Make these crazy things online:

Tombstone
Great for making a very specific point (see above). Etch directly into a tombstone and right-click to download the result. Dead simple.

Internet Diploma
We've covered My Internet Diploma in the past. We sorta wish we hadn't. Luckily, now that we have all graduated with honors and have mad ninja skills, we know better. My Internet Diploma is as fake as My Little Pony.

Magazine
Put your face or drunk/nude torso on the cover of numerous magazines. There are bunches of these, but I chose the one with lots of real magazine covers. The workflow is irritating. You upload a pic, which opens a useless (new) window. Close that window, keep following the steps. Each step spawns a new window. If anyone knows a decent version of this, leave it in the comments.

Robot
It's a dress-up doll with robot parts. A little part of me died while playing with this. Still, the owner of this domain will be rich... when the robots take over.

Signs
The link takes you to the classic Church Sign Generator, but there are others. If anything comes up as sign generator in the URL, however, you may have stumbled upon one of the vast linkfarms of the interwebs.

There are many other examples, like a place that claims to print fake pay stubs (for a fee). I'm not linking to that one, but you get the idea. With the right web skillz you can fake just about anything. But with great power comes great responsibility, so don't go throwing your doctorate of hyperlinking in our faces -- we saw your nude cover for Byte magazine.

Apparently fed up with horrid, low-quality ripoffs of their work being posted to YouTube, Monty Python has decided it's time to act. They're fighting back by uploading high-quality videos straight from their private vault.

Though there are currently only two dozen clips available, many have been uploaded recently. It's likely only a matter of time before favorites like the Cheese Shop, Fish Slapping Dance, and Nudge Nudge surface on the channel.

Don't fret - they quintessential Python clips are already there: the Black Knight, the Lumberjack Song, and even Pilate talking about his "vewwy good fweind in Wome," who shall remain nameless. Better yet, they've promised to upload HQ versions of the most popular clips.

Just what are they up to? The welcome message is honest enough: "None of your driveling, mindless comments. Instead, we want you to click on the links, buy our movies & TV shows and soften our pain and disgust at being ripped off all these years."

Works for me, I've been a supporter for ages (I think I still have my copy of the old Complete Waste of Time "game").

Official HQ Python on YouTube: the videos have been posted, and there was much rejoicing.
[ via gHacks ]

So here's the thing about the advanced computer systems you see in movies like Terminator or The Matrix: They don't crash. They don't ask you to send error reports. And they don't bog down after you've been using them for a few months and the registry is filled with gunk from programs you've installed, uninstalled, and forgotten all about.

On the other hand, it'd be kind of funny if they did. With that in mind, the folks at College Humor have produced a short video showing what The Matrix would be like if it ran on Windows XP.

Anyone want to take a crack at letting us know what it would be like if it ran on OS X? Debian? PalmOS? Windows 7? Sound off in the comments!

[via Gizmodo]

Have you ever wondered what Comic Sans, Times New Romans, or Futura fonts would look, sound, and act like if they were people? Yeah, neither have we. But after watching the video above, we can't believe the thought had never occurred to us. This video from College Humor probably qualifies as the funniest thing we've ever seen. At least today.

The short film also raises some serious issues though, like who the heck comes up with the names for these fonts? And has anybody ever used wingdings for anything? Why exactly is that font taking up space in Windows?

[via Gizmodo]

In the tradition of humorous single-serving site status checkers like istwitterdown.com and downforeveryoneorjustme.com comes a new entry with none of the utility of the others, but about fifty times the comedic value. When Twitter is Down is a site by Adam "lonelysandwich" Lisagor, a well-known Twitter user and one of the hosts of the You Look Nice Today podcast.

Sandwich gathered up some of the best suggestions about what to do when Twitter is down, and the site's only function is to cycle through these and make you laugh during Twitter's frequent downtime. One of the funniest things about it, in our opinion, is that it's aware of its predecessors. In a nod to barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com, which is nothing but a collection of nice things about Barack Obama, one of the When Twitter is Down messages reads: "When Twitter is down, Obama wins a bicycle." Priceless.

DISCLAIMER: If you're averse to some mild profanity, you may want to look elsewhere for something to do when Twitter is down.

UPDATE: Sandwich has passed along some more info, including the interesting note that Mat Honan, the man behind Obama Is Your New Bicycle, actually shared his site's code for When Twitter is Down. Mat also contributed a When Twitter is Down joke, along with other funnybone-owning Twitter users fedge, LazyBonesMcGee, nevenmrgan, and wisekaren. Thanks for writing in, Adam!

Check the junk folder of your email service, and we're guessing you'll find hundreds of messages offering to enhance various body parts, decrease others, or ask for your help withdrawing large sums of money from a bank account. But what if you're simply misreading all of these messages? What if you're the one with the dirty mind, not the marketers?

Yeah, we're pretty sure that's not the case, but artist Janet Nelson is definitely onto something with her Innocent Spam series. She's taken actual subject lines from junk email messages and turned them into cute comic images, with none of the innuedo attached. For example, "oh man, he is ridiculously huge" could refer to anything, right? Why not a big dog? And just because you think of something else when you hear the word "Willy" doesn't mean it has to be dirty.

You can buy Nelson's work on a T-shirt or mug. Or you can just check out the comics on her website for free.

[via AppScout]

Look out PayDay loan proprietors!

The web has often been used to make a point (The Onion anyone?). But rarely has it been used as effectively as with the Predatory Lending Association.

This site has it all: Loan calculators, discussion boards, racial profiling tools, and a Google maps based "poor finder" that makes suggestions for where you should open up your next PayDay loan store. The site is extremely sarcastic and attempts to illustrate the cold, calculating, and corrupt business practices of predatory lenders, many of which exist simply to let people with lower incomes hock their next pay check and take the money to the Casino.

For those who aren't in the USA, PayDay loan stores offer short term loans with enormous fees based on your previous pay stub. They let you get your check early, but they'll charge you 10-30% to do it.

The site encourages people to sign up for their mailing list so they can notify you of future projects and whether or not PayDay lenders attempt to hack the site and take it down.

Oh 1991. Things were so much simpler then. Computers measured memory in KB, not GB. And apparently a guy in a lab coat could "train" people to upgrade versions of DOS by "rapping."

This promotional video seems to be aimed at businesses who would sell DOS 5.0 to their customers. It makes note of the fact that there are 60 million potential users, and that "it's going to be a cash machine for you." But it's not all sales tactics. No, we also learn that MS DOS 5.0:

• Is the first version of DOS that can be offered as an upgrade
• Frees up more memory, up to 45K at least!
• Has a graphical shell
• Features an undelete command

Our favorite part is near the beginning when the performers tell their audience that no PC should be without MS DOS 5, without listing any reasons why. But the two customers nod at each other enthusiastically. You had them at "whoooo."

[via Slashdot]