5 Ways To Surf Like a Complete Moron

Filed under: Fun, Internet, Security, Analysis

5 Ways To Surf Like a Complete Moron

by Lee Mathews Sep 21st 2008

I just can't take it any more. I don't understand how people actually use their computers like this, but they do. Just take a look at Kaspersky's figures for August 2008. I look after a lot of computers for friends and family, and a dozen machines at work - and none are infected. Then again, all of them are well-protected and used responsibly.

Now, it's not my intent that anyone actually follow this horrible, horrible advice. It's just that so many people seem to think this type of behavior is perfectly normal computer use.

So here it is: my 5-point method for turning your computer into a quivering pile of malware-infested, hacker-friendly trash.

1. Don't bother updating your software. Things like Java, Flash, and your web browser are constantly updating. How annoying is that? If your Flash games play, and the little Java thing is always near your system clock, it's probably working just fine. Security holes in your outdated internet apps let the information move through faster.

2. Believe everything you see. If a pop up window tells you that Windows has found spyware on your computer or that you have 324 errors in your registry, you'd better click on it. That's not the kind of thing you want to take a chance on. I mean, the registry is where stuff...registers. And spyware removal software that advertises Shamwow style must be trustworthy, right?

3. You need more free smilies and screensavers. Everyone loves smilies, especially the friends that "msg u bak n 4th @ myspace". And screensavers? Shut up. I love having fancy animated crap displayed on my monitor when I'm nowhere near it - that's how everyone walking past knows what a cool guy I am. None of the websites giving this stuff away want to piggyback any nasty BHOs or other malware anyways.

4. Use your main email address and the same password everywhere you register for an account. Why make things confusing? No one will ever figure out your password hint based on details from your Facebook page anyhow. Hackers have better things to do than try and get into someone's dumb old Yahoo Mail account. Except for that guy that did it to Sarah Palin, I guess.

5. Everything on Limewire is a real video or song. Dude, it's totally possible to cram Iron Man into a 72mb download, or squeeze Free Bird into a 540kb mp3. It's called compression. Duh. As if someone could just rename a bogus file the same thing as a movie and hide a trojan inside it.

In closing, I'd like to offer my apologies to the monkey. He's probably a damn sight smarter than tens of thousands of people surfing the Internet at this very moment.

Tags: bad habits, BadHabits, insecurity, misuse, stupidity

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

nikescar said 2:23PM on 9-21-2008

Well said. There is no excuse for these people that have no clue about anything "puter" related. It's their fault for not taking some personal intitiative and learning for themselves.

Dries said 2:54PM on 9-21-2008

I know some people like this - some of my best friends - and it's sad!

Justin said 3:20PM on 9-21-2008

I do use 1 email, but i use 3 different passwords, depending on how secure it needs to be.

supernova_hq said 3:34PM on 9-21-2008

I always tell people the 4 most dangerous things you can download on the internet are smilies, screensavers, toolbars and anti-virus programs. Guess what I see the most on virus ridden computers?

Dionisio said 3:36PM on 9-21-2008

Thank you for this. Too bad none of "those" people will find this site since a link probably hasn't been sent to them as part of an elaborate e-mail forward.

Patrick said 5:10PM on 9-21-2008

Spent last weekend working on a friends cpu with a zillion virus on it. Great article!

Trvth Jvstice said 5:56PM on 9-21-2008

At my fire station we have an old PC someone brought in for everyone to use to surf the web and to be able to view items not appropriate for our work PC. I reformatted it, put on XP and a few free anitivirus and spyware programs. For a few months every shift day I would remove the several toolbars and other crap people downloaded. It eventually became frustrating enough that I gave up. Of course I have my own computer, so it didn't cause any problems for me. These days I still have to go ctr alt del and stop some malicious pop up demanding an antivirus program be downloaded and the stupid thing runs as slow as molasses, but I've washed my hands of the thing. If a bunch of grown men don't know any better than to click "yes" on every prompt or to download "blackplanetlove" toolbar it's not my problem. I could only imagine the headaches that someone charge of the computers of a large company.

Bruce said 10:47PM on 9-21-2008

Wow - I'm in the same boat - Fire Station and all!
Except that we have wireless now and hard lines in four rooms, so everyone who has a laptop brings them in. So not only am I constantly getting crap off the computer in the dispatch room, but helping the guys get crap off their laptops also!

Oh well.

James said 9:44AM on 9-22-2008

Solution: rip out the hard drive, and boot from a Linux Live CD. No storage = no malware, and if all they're doing is web browsing, well, it's got Firefox so you're OK.

Aniruddh said 6:09PM on 9-21-2008

These are very good tips..But when we are not at home or office and try to use the internet via a cafe or Net hub at that time what kind of safe step we should take?

Because you not able to see that what bad stuff it have already in a computer,,,

Audacitor said 8:09PM on 9-21-2008

If you're at a net cafe or any other public place where you're not the only one to use a computer, don't do anything you wouldn't want anyone else to see. It doesn't matter if that box is running Windows, OS X, or Linux, other people have the all important physical access to the machine, so consider it your enemy.

michas_pi said 7:58PM on 9-21-2008

A-*******-men. This is the best post ever on Download Squad.

dmp said 9:13PM on 9-21-2008

But "***h00jblackc0ckc0v3r3d1nrasb3rrymarm3lad3andt00thpast36969***", is so easy to remember.

Sue Polinsky said 9:49PM on 9-21-2008

Lee, one of the tricks of some engineers is to remove the "big blue e" and put a FireFox icon on desktops and say yes to the default browser question before the owner can touch the machine. In one worst-case scenario (don't ask!), we mapped the IE icon to FireFox and honestly, the client didn't know but was happy we 'fixed' his computer so he didn't get viruses/trojans anymore. But if you're supporting family & friends and not getting paid but always on call, you do what you "gotta" do.

Lee Mathews said 9:56PM on 9-21-2008

Damn, I love that. Thanks Sue, I'm totally using that trick on my next helpless infectee.

Bruce said 10:47PM on 9-21-2008

That is funny!

conor said 4:42PM on 9-22-2008

put IE theme on it to that will confuse them real good.

Zach said 10:00PM on 9-21-2008

Haha wow. I feel like an idiot.

linux_ftw said 10:12PM on 9-21-2008

Just use Linux! That way you can click on what ever you want with out having any problems.

Yet again... if that is how you behave when browsing the web, Linux might not be at your skill level. :)

Vadim Peretokin said 10:48PM on 9-21-2008

Great post.

Being on Ubuntu now though, you automatically get 3 of those things solved. Rest are up to the human element... which is working OK here :)

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